Uncle Tony

Dear Lila,

Your Uncle Tony always loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What's not to love? They are superheroes who fight crime, make wisecracks all of the time and crave pizza. And they aren't so different from Uncle Tony, who grew up on Pizza Hut, was always ready with a funny comment for everything and was a real-life superhero who made so many people's lives better just by being a part of them.

I met many of Uncle Tony's friends last week and all of them said the same thing: Tony made the world a better place. Whether he was joking around to cheer up a sad friend, encouraging another friend to pursue her dream job or just holding a girl's purse so she wouldn't lose it at a bar, he always looked out for others and lit up any room with his humor and positive attitude.

Uncle Tony was truly a superhero because he was strong enough to maintain that humor and positive attitude even when he was diagnosed with brain cancer not just once, but twice. When GongGong, PoiPoi and I wanted to crumple into a heap onto the floor, Uncle Tony was the one who made us laugh and lifted our spirits when we were the ones who should have been doing that for him. His strength never wavered during his countless treatments and surgeries and even when his entire body was literally failing him and he couldn't even speak, he still found the power to give the doctors an optimistic thumbs-up sign and playfully stick out his tongue at us.

I will never be able to process this loss, the fact that I will never hug my brother again or text him about our favorite shows or have lengthy conversations with him about how crazy our parents are. It is unreal and unfair that he was taken at such a young age when he had so much more to accomplish. And it truly breaks my heart that you probably won't remember him and that he will not be here to see you grow up. Uncle Tony was my baby brother and I do not know how I will make it through the rest of my life without him. I wish that you didn't have to go through the rest of your life without him. But if anything, Uncle Tony taught us all how to stay strong even in the darkest hours.

I miss Uncle Tony so unbearably much, but he will stay alive in our memories and I will talk about him all of the time so that you, GuhGaw and DiDi will always remember what an amazing, special and undeniably super uncle you guys had.

Love,
Mom

You're Four Years Old!

Dear Lila,

You have ballet class every Saturday morning and getting you up and ready for it every week is usually a battle. You take a long time to eat your breakfast, you don't want to brush your teeth, then you don't want to get dressed and put on your tutu and tights or get in the car with Daddy . . . you're often crying and I'm often yelling, "Lila, you have to get ready! You're going to be late!" You always have fun once you get to class but I do not have fun getting you there! Then yesterday, we were reading a Fancy Nancy book where she gives her dad ballet lessons and you said you really like ballet. I asked you, "Then why do you always give me so much trouble when you have to go to ballet class?" You said, "Because I don't want to go. I want to stay home and spend time with my beautiful mama." Well, okay, I'll never make you go to ballet class ever again, hahaha!

You are and always have been so sweet and being your mama makes me so unbelievably happy. The way you smile at me when you're reading or playing and realize I'm looking at you, the way you suddenly hug me and tell me that you love me several times a day, the way you ask me if I can cuddle with you every single night, the way your face lights up when I say yes and climb into bed next to you, the way you insist on just one more "huggie" and kiss when I have to get up--the feelings I get from these little moments with you are exactly why I love being a mom, your mom. I love you so much for being so sweet, so kind and so gentle. And every day, I am so proud of you for your strength, your determination, your patience and your compassion. When you had a stomach virus last week, you felt awful and threw up several times but you powered through it without ever whining. When you practice writing your letters, you are so focused and persistent, even when some of the letters are tricky for you. When we drove back to New York from Pittsburgh after Thanksgiving last month, it took nine excruciating hours because there was so much traffic, but you didn't complain or cry or whine "Are we there yet?" even once; you just sat in your car seat and colored, read a magazine, talked to me, ate snacks or napped. And when DiDi cries, you immediately try to console him by singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" or the alphabet song to him.

You make me laugh every day with the cute faces that you make (you scrunch up your face in different ways and ask, "Do I look funny?") and the funny things that you say (we were pretending Daddy was a monster one day and you said, "You be the peekout!" -- you meant "lookout," haha). You also continue to impress me with your very mature palette. You eat things like scallions and spinach salad and when we went to a buffet last month, you turned down the brownies, cookies and pie and asked me to pile your plate with cucumbers, carrot sticks and watermelon (not that you don't have a sweet tooth--you could and would eat ice cream after every meal if I let you!). You are my amazing little girl and I can't wait to see what amazing things you have in store. Happy birthday, Lilabear!

Love,
Mom

Only Child

Dear Lila,

Funny things you did today:

-There was a book fair at your school this week and when GuhGaw went yesterday, he bought a Paw Patrol book. You went today and bought the exact same Paw Patrol book. I asked you why you did that and you said that GuhGaw wouldn't share the book with you yesterday. So you got your own--smart!

-I was brushing your teeth when you suddenly looked down your shirt and said, "I want big-girl boobies." Um, no. You're still only 3! I think you said that, though, because your nanny and I had been looking at a photo of me when I was pregnant with you and I had said, "Yeah, I was pregnant in that picture. That's why my boobs look so big." Oops, I really have to watch what I say around you!

-You and Daddy saw the movie "Moana" over the weekend and while I was showering you, you said, "Moana's family only has her, her daddy and her mama. Can we do that?" I asked, "What about your brothers?" You replied, "Can we give GuhGaw and Sawyer away? Can we drive them to PoiPoi's house?" Um, no.

Love,
Mom

Old Maid

Dear Lila,

After school today, you and GuhGaw were playing in the front yard when you picked up a big branch, bent over slightly, started using the branch like a cane, scrunched up your face and said in a deep voice, "I'm an old grandma." Haha! Neither of your grandmas do that--where did you learn that?

Love,
Mom

Nighttime Buddy

Dear Lila,

When I was tucking you in tonight, I asked if you wanted a friend, which is how I refer to your stuffed animals and dolls. You usually ask for Belle Bunny or Aurora but tonight, you said, "You my friend. I want you." *melt*

Love,
Mom

Just A Trim

Dear Lila,

Things you did today:

-Impressed me with your understanding of time: You asked if you and I could have girl time and I said we couldn't because I had a lot of work to do. You then said, "You said yesterday that we could have girl time tomorrow, so that is today!" Wow. (And we did manage to squeeze in a few minutes of girl time tonight after all.)

-Used a pair of safety scissors to trim your hair: Your nanny was cleaning up the study when she found hair clippings in the corner. You can't really tell that you cut it at all when looking at you, though, so at least your self-cut wasn't anything drastic!

Love,
Mom

Catgirl

Dear Lila,

At bedtime tonight, I leaned down for you to kiss my cheek but instead, you licked it. Then you laughed and said, "I'm a kitty cat." So silly!

Love,
Mom