Mom Jokes

Dear Lila,

Every Monday is Mom Joke Monday, where I text you a joke after you get on the school bus. Here are a few of my favorites so far:

-I got fired on my first day working at the bank. A woman asked me to check her balance and I pushed her over.

-Why do teenagers hang out in groups of 3, 5, 7 and 9? Because they can't even.

-A wife texts her husband on a cold morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." The husband texts back, "Slowly pour warm water around the edges and then gently tap with a hammer." After 10 minutes, the wife texts back, "Computer really messed up now."

-A pregnant woman falls into a coma and wakes up three months later. When she awakens, the nurse tells her that she gave birth to two healthy babies, one girl and one boy, and that the woman's brother named them. The woman groans and says, "Oh no! My brother is an idiot! What did he name them?" The nurse says, "He named the girl Denise." The woman says, "Oh, that's not bad. What did he name the boy?" The nurse replies, "Denephew."

-A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into a blood donation center. The nurse asks the rabbit, "What blood type are you?" and the rabbit replies, "I'm probably a Type O."

Love,

Mom

Young Adult

Dear Lila,

We hung out in Manhattan a few weekends ago and went to Barn Joo for lunch. When we were done, I asked the waitress for the check and she asked us, "Are you paying together?" She thought you were my friend and didn't realize that you are only 12!

People quite often mistake you for being much older than you are since you are so tall and look so mature! And I'm so short next to you, so it throws everyone off. But I know I'm going to blink and you actually will be old enough to pay for your own meals. This past summer, you took SHSAT prep classes in our neighborhood and we let you walk to and from them every day on your own, which is the first time we let you go out that far without an adult. Daddy and I gave you money and during your lunch breaks, you went out and bought your own lunches. Last month, you got your first real cell phone (an upgrade from the watch we had been using to contact and track you) and went to your dentist appointment on your own.

Then this past weekend, you babysat your siblings for the first time! When Daddy and I have gone out before, PoiPoi came over to watch all of you. This time, we went out to dinner in the neighborhood (so not too far) and entrusted you with getting you and your siblings dinner (we ordered a pizza before we left), taking care of whatever needed to be taken care of and getting DiDi and MuiMui to bed. MuiMui actually cried a few times because she missed me, so you called me and had me talk to her. Other than that, the night went smoothly and you did a great job. Adulting, here you come!

Love,

Mom

Name Game

Dear Lila,

When you started taking the bus to school in 6th grade, you and I noticed the same man jogging past our house every morning while you waited for the bus. He is a tall, slim Asian man who always wears the same gray shirt and shorts (pants during the winter) and he does a loop, which brings him past our house three times every morning. He has rarely missed a day and on a whim, I decided to name him Simon. So now whenever we see him through the window, we say, "Simon!" We have never actually spoken to him or even made eye contact as he runs past, but how funny would it be if his name was really Simon!

Over the years, we have bequeathed names onto other regular passers-by: the tall jogger who ties his long, curly brown hair in a ponytail and always wears the same purple tank, black shorts and black knee socks is Gustaf; the older woman who rides by on a bike with a white wicker basket is Janet; Sam and Pam are the couple who have four dogs (Sam always walks three of them while Pam always only walks the one--why we wonder?); the amusing older gentleman who wears black shades, a crisp button-down shirt and Bermuda shorts and literally dances and twirls down the street is who we call Giuseppe. Why does he dance? We don't know. Do we love that he dances? So much!

I love that we have this fun, weird game that only we know about! The only crazy part is that one time MuiMui and I saw Gustaf when we were out walking and MuiMui wanted to follow him to see where he lives. Um, no.

Love,

Mom

Unexpected Date Night

Dear Lila,

You, at noon today: I'm not jetlagged at all.

Also you, at 6pm today: [fast asleep and snoring in your bed]

So much for not being jetlagged, hahaha! The funny thing is that when I finished cooking dinner tonight at 7pm, I went upstairs to tell your siblings that dinner was ready only to find that ALL of you had fallen asleep! We did just get back from Paris late last night, though, so while funny, it was expected. Daddy came home from work and the two of us had a very quiet dinner with just the two of us, which hadn't happened since 2010!

Love,

Mom

X Marks the Spot

Dear Lila,

We don't watch a lot of TV together as a family because a) I'd prefer we do something else (read, play a board game, hang out in the play attic) and b) we are all very different people in different age groups wth different interests (ex: I love DiDi but I have zero interest in watching a dinosaur documentary with him; meanwhile, I could spend hours watching travel videos on YouTube but those bore all of you).

However, we discovered a rare gem this summer that we all wanted to watch called Destination X. It was a reality competition series on NBC where contestants were blindfolded and taken to various European cities--they had to play games, collect clues and figure out which city they were in. A contestant was eliminated each week and the show had a little bit of everything: beautiful shots of charming European towns, humor, suspense, unexpected twists, double crossings, a cute (to me) host (Jeffrey Dean Morgan!) and even romance (kind of--two of the contestants started dating but we learned that they broke up shortly after the show ended, sad). You, me, DiDi and MuiMui got soooo into Destination X--we enjoyed every episode, had fun trying to figure out the city before they revealed it and couldn't wait for each new episode. When we watched the finale, the twists and final reveal of the winner were so good, we were literally bouncing on the couch and screaming!

It was really fun watching the show all together! Each episode was so good and after we watched it, we'd discuss everything that happened. I'm sad that it's over now and the four of us don't have a show to bond over each week. I hope they renew it for a second season!

Love,

Mom

Sad Smiles

Dear Lila,

I don't know what it says about you, but you have this involuntary reaction where you smile at sad things. Like, someone might tell you that her cat died and even if you found that incredibly tragic, you would smile. Please work on that before it gets you into trouble, haha!

Love,

Mom

Getting Low

Dear Lila,

Songs that were huge in the 2000s are apparently big again and kids these days are listening to Flo Rida's "Low." I danced to that song soooooo many times when I went clubbing in my 20s and oh, it is so weird to hear my 9- and 12-year-olds singing about "apple-bottom jeans!" 

Love,

Mom